Friday, July 29, 2011

Review – The Animal

I want to write the next Rob Schneider movie for Happy Madison. A guy who eats a lot of food from Subway is hit by a bolt of lightning and fused at the molecular level with his lunch and goes on to fight evil with his newfound lunchmeat powers. Some random doofus swallows a radioactive booger and ends up with uncontrollable chest hair and fingernail growth, so he battles the forces of darkness with his long hair and nails. A ne'er-do-well clerk gets animal part implants from a mad scientist and uses the animal powers to beat bad guys and win the woman of his dreams. So okay, other than the title giving it away, what's the difference between the actual plot of this movie and the other two that I just pulled out of my ass? Seriously guys, just do a deal with Lorne Michaels and make Copy Machine Guy: The Motion Picture. It couldn't be much worse than this. See if desperate

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Review – Deadtime Stories Volume One

Oh George Romero. Out of respect for Dawn of the Dead, Creepshow and your other really good contributions to the horror genre, I'm going to pretend that your appearance in this turd was taped after the producers got you really drunk at a sci fi con and tricked you into reading bad poetry for the camera. Other than Romero's less-than-stellar-but-at-least-brief performance, this is just three progressively-worse horror shorts crammed together. If there's a Volume Two, it's a movie that will not be seen by me. Wish I'd skipped it

Thursday, July 7, 2011

Review – Chain Reaction

I like big bombs (and I cannot lie), so I enjoyed the explosions at the beginning and the end of this picture. The rest of it not so much. After the cheap hydrogen from water project they're working on gets destroyed by sinister government agents, a couple of researchers (Keanu Reeves and Rachel Weisz) find themselves framed for murder. Most of the rest of the picture is a protracted chase scene. Morgan Freeman turns in a good performance as a nice-guy-or-uber-creep helper character, but otherwise the only real fun here is watching a chunk of Chicago destroyed by a massive fireball. See if desperate

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Quiz answers - Fireworks or STD?

As promised, here are the answers to last week's quiz. If you haven't done the quiz yet, view the previous post before reading this one. Oh, and credit where credit is due: this website provided the slang.

Bees in a Thicket - Firework

Flap Dragon - STD

Jumping Bug - Fireworks

Blue Boars - STD

Fire Ship - STD

Hot Pot - Fireworks

Burner - STD

Nimgimmer - STD

Tonga Exotica - Fireworks

Autumn Drizzle - Fireworks

Crinkums - STD

Nutty Monkey - Fireworks

Cats in the Cupboard - Fireworks

Sunday, July 3, 2011

Review – Behind the Burly Q

This is a reasonably good documentary about the origin and heyday of burlesque shows. The filmmakers managed to track down a lot of the bigger names, not only the dancers but also the comedians, novelty acts and other folks in and around the business. One thing I noted in particular was how down-to-earth most of these elderly women were about their "misspent" youths. Many documentaries about the arts are marred with tedious boasting from talking heads, "I invented graffiti" or "we were the first punk band in Boston." The closest any of the subjects here come to that kind of annoying nonsense is an occasional "she tried to steal my act." Overall this picture does a solid job of covering a topic I didn't know much about. Mildly amusing

Friday, July 1, 2011

Quiz time! Fireworks or STD?

In honor of the upcoming holiday, 8sails serves up our first ever Blog Quiz.

Each of the following items is either a firework we bought for our annual Fourth of July celebration or a Victorian English slang term for sexually transmitted disease. Can you tell which is which?

For the answers, come by the house at around 9:00 or so (or whenever anyone sobers up enough to be trusted around explosives) and see what we've got. Otherwise I'll post the answers next Tuesday.

The list:

Bees in a Thicket
Flap Dragon
Jumping Bug
Blue Boars
Fire Ship
Hot Pot
Tonga Exotica
Autumn Drizzle
Nutty Monkey
Cats in the Cupboard

Good luck!