Thursday, May 31, 2012

Review – Best Worst Movie

The thesis of this production is that Troll 2 is the worst movie ever made. Of course the folks who made this documentary – particularly the former child star who directed it and the dentist who gets the bulk of the screen time – have an emotional and/or financial interest in promoting the Troll 2 cult thing. In the process we get a large dose of pseudo-adoring movie geeks, several embarrassed actors, a director who seems genuinely convinced that his movie didn’t suck, and at least a couple of genuinely mentally ill individuals who probably didn’t need to be made fun of. So a movie that seems laughably terrible to start just turns out kinda sad. Mildly amusing

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Review – Contaminated Man

If 24 was a movie rather than a TV show and was even more implausible than usual, this is what it would be. William Hurt is far too old for this role as a HazMat specialist on the trail of a disgruntled employee (Peter Weller) potentially spreading a terrible plague (I was never quite clear whether it was chemical or biological) throughout Eastern Europe. But here’s the deal: Patient Zero can’t die from whatever-it-is, but anyone he touches is doomed. However, his victims aren’t communicable, so as long as our heroes can track down and isolate this one guy the whole problem will be solved. Seriously, they should have named this infection Ridiculitis. Further, the picture sustains its excessive running time via a host of plot twists just as absurd as the general premise. See if desperate

Abandoned – Abelar: Tales of an Ancient Empire

If you went out to the Renaissance Festival, rounded up all the vampire-obsessed dumbasses you could find and physically forced them to make a movie, this is what you’d get. I was actually in the mood for a stupid sword and sorcery picture, and this was still more than I could take. 35 minutes

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

P’Nope

Pizza Hut thinks I’m going to eat this:


Actually, Pizza Hut seems to think that I’m willing to eat anything with a P and an apostrophe in front of it. What’s next, guys? P’Garbage? P’Shit? Oh, wait ...

Further down, the copy describes this thing as “heroic.” That’s either an insinuation that a P’Zolo is distant kin to a hero sandwich or just the latest lost battle in the war to assure that the word “hero” means anything at all.

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Review – The American President

Imagine a lovelorn, widowed President getting the hots for an environmental lobbyist. Imagine Michael Douglas as the President. Imagine Annette Benning as the lobbyist. Imagine Rob Reiner directing. There, now you don’t have to see the movie. See if desperate